Stop Hitting Yourself
by xXKanpekiXx
Summary: Phoenix decides to become a little immature....
1. Prologue

Alright!� Been a while since I visited the Phoenix Wright section as an author...sorry about that everyone!� Disclaimer: I do not own Phoenix Wright.

Rebeccer and I are working on this series together!� XD this will be fun!� Sorry for crack and crappiness!

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Maya bounced up to her favorite cheap blue-suited defense attorney and grinned at him pointedly. 

"Hey, Nick, isn't it a wonderful day to be alive?" She spun around as if that would reinforce her point. "I'm having a fuck-my-life day…" Phoenix replied grimly. 

After winning two trials against the von Karma girl, he had been beaten badly by the prodigy every single time since, proving that those two trials were flukes. Today, he lost miserably. His client had been sent to the chair, but Phoenix knew he was guilty. Still, Franziska's smirking face and victory whip pissed him off. 

While he was brooding, Maya slipped $5 out of his wallet and made a quick break for the ice cream truck passing by. Phoenix watched the children for a second and was surprised to see a bully take another kid's hand and slapping the poor kid with his own hand and yelling "Stop hitting yourself!" 

Phoenix ran over and tried to reprimand the kid. "Adults and mature people don't do that kind of thing!" Phoenix lectured once he made sure the victim was ok.

�The kid said smugly "Adults get to do whatever they want, so why not?" Phoenix had never thought of this before. 

If he wanted to do something childish like that, there was no one to stop him! 

An evil flash struck his eye and he got up and walked back to the courtroom, leaving Maya to fend for herself. 

He geared himself up to punish the first person who crossed his path.

�Then, the cravat came bouncing into view…

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XD sorry for the crack!� You can probably see where this is headed...� Please review! 


	2. Edgeworth Gets His

Ok, haha this is the Edgeworth installment. Very crappy...--' sorry in advance. Rebeccer and I have been working on this :D Next is Maya!

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The day had been going wonderfully for the Demon Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth. 

His hair had fluffed up right, his cravat bounced into place, and Franziska had been too tired to rant about her perfection as he gave her a ride to the courthouse. In fact, she had provided him with instant entertainment. Just add water. (A/N: Kidding) As it had happened, Wright was arriving as they were and Edgeworth started the countdown…5…4…3…2…1…Franziska jumped as a small snapping sound was heard. All of a sudden, she was no longer tired and she went into full battle mode.

Edgeworth chuckled as his sister gave Wright the beating of his life just for "defiling her air of perfection with his foolish blue suited presence" and Edgey walked off to his case. 

He won that, of course. 

As the case let out, Edgeworth led the way out of the courtroom. He wanted to find the Fey girl and see how many burgers she could eat in ten minutes. Edgeworth had always wondered about this, so he thought with his luck today, it might work. Wherever she was, Wright was usually dragged along with her. 

So, you could imagine Fudgeworth's (This is not a typo. It is yet another inside joke) delight to see Phoenix Wright bounding around in his cheap blue suit. Edgey walked over ans was surprised and disappointed to find that the psychic clad in purple was no where to be found. 

"Ah, Wright, have your whip marks stopped stinging yet?" At this point, Edgeworth decided to tease Wright a little bit. 

"You know, Franziska says you scream like a girl. I don't doubt it because you already act like one. I mean, the amount of product you use in your hair, always hanging out with your girlfriends insert gay hand flippy thing here…Ah, Wright…? Hello? I'm trying to question your sexuality and the least you could do is listen. Maybe defend, agree…Wright, hello?" 

Edgeworth was a little frightened of the glare in Phoenix's eyes. Then, the blue clad attorneygrabbed the cravat lover's wrist firmly and smiled sinfully. 

"Well, so I was right to call your sexuality into question. Hmm, there is a closet over-" He was cut short as in one mighty motion, Phoenix brought the hand to the side of Edgeworth's face.

"…What the hell, Wright?" 

Phoenix looked at the red mark on Edgeworth's face and chortled. 

"Stop hitting yourself!" 

The epic words rand throughout the courthouse as Miles whaled on himself led by Phoenix's guiding hand. Phoenix laughed like madman and made his escape to his cruddy apartment. He would torture others tomorrow. 

As Edgeworth walked out to the parking lot, and his expensive car, he felt the sting of Franziska's whip. 

"Miles! You have kept me waiting for exactly 3 minutes and 46…47…48 seconds!" She yelled as he stepped closer. "Whoa, what happened to your face? It finally matches your suit." Franziska commented as she got into the car. 

Edgeworth gave his sister a glare and stated simply "I'm having a fuck-my-life day," and drove off.

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Rebeccer and I REALLY appretiate reviews! We know its bad, or at least what xXKanpekiXx writes is crap, but still:DThank you for even reading this far!


	3. Proof Burgers Do Bad Things To Minds

Alright! Rather productive today :P Haha. Here is Maya's story. Franziska is next! Please enjoy!

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Phoenix walked into Wright & Co. Law offices with a plan to beat all others.

He was ready to inspire more fear and immaturity into his comrades! 

Upon arriving, he saw Maya stretched out on the ground, laying on her stomach and watching Steel Samurai reruns, a big bowl of popcorn next to her. 

He decided that he would use less forcefull methods with Maya because, well, he didn't have to. She was just that gullible.

Grinning evilly, Phoenix dramatically pointed at Maya, and acting scared (badly) he shouted "MAYA! You've got a bee on your forehead!" Maya jumped up and began racing about the room, smacking herself about the face and sending the popcorn bowl flying.

"Stop hitting yourself!" Phoenix joked, pointing at her, cackling wickedly. 

Popcorn rained down on them as she continued to run in circles and panic."

Maya? It was a joke... A JOKE!" Phoenix yelled as he tried to catch the terrified spirit medium, who was amazingly fast 

(despite what a greedy pig she was when it came to food).

"Maya?" he asked one last time, to receive no response except for more panicking.

Sighing, he packed all his evidence for his new case into a briefcase and left for court early. 

Later that day, Maya showed up late, halfway into the trial. 

She was sporting several red hand print shaped slap-marks, and a large bandage was wrapped around her forehead (which had taken the worst beating). 

She endured the stares of the judge, Phoenix, and the rest of the crowd long enough to pull Franziska out of the prosecutor's box. 

She then headed down to a familiar burger joint…

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Thank you! Please review! Rebeccer and I are putting effort into this and working really hard. Well, we're working harder than normal :P 


	4. Tampering With Perfection

WOW I haven't posted in so long and Rebeccer couldn't either cuz I didn't work my lazy ass to get anything done. I apologize. (I guess it takes me a sprained ankle and a buttload of free time for me to do anything)

You know the drill with the disclaimer that we don't own anything even though we wish we did... WAAAAAAAH. Emotion time is over. On to Stop Hitting Yourself Franziska style. GO FRANZISKAAAAAAA

If you have any suggestions, let us know cuz we are going to write for Maggey, Gumshoe, Godot, Gant, and end it with the Judge. But we will extend the series if you like. Please send us requests :D

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As Franziska surveyed the pile of grease, fat and calories, that was supposedly her dinner, she threw caution to the wind and asked the resident psychic why the hell she had been dragged out of the courtroom before she could further broadcast her perfection to the awaiting reporters.

"But Franny! One time you said that you'd never been to Burger Cousin! That's like a crime against nature! You'll be put on trial and you'll have to prosecute yourself. Which means you will go to jail! If you think about it, I'm saving you. Be grateful!"

The on slaughter of lopsided conclusions came to a screeching halt when Franziska threw Maya the death glare of the century.

"Would you stop calling me Franny, fool? And would this parade of foolishness have anything to do with the bandages on your head? Did you fall and smack it?"

Franziska was surprised to see that Maya jumped a little at the mention of her bandages and stuttered out denile.

Franziska almost laughed (Almost…) when Maya screamed and ran out of the establishment that she wouldn't even deem a restaurant because a certain foolishly foolish fool foolishly strolled in.

That's right, none other than Phoenix Wright came bounding into Burger Cousin.

Franziska really wanted to laugh. She wouldn't admit it, but she really did. She was perfection! She couldn't laugh!

….Ok, maybe just a little…

That stopped the second Phoenix seated himself next to Franziska.

To give her a solid alibi for not talking to the idiot, she shoved some of the grease trap of a burger into her perfect mouth.

She would charge Phoenix for the mouthwash she would be buying in bulk later.

Suddenly, at the taste of oil and cholesterol, Franziska spit out the bits of cow and bread in disgust, complaining of getting fat already. Phoenix took his chance.

"Er…Franziska, you seem to have a little something on your 'perfect' face." Franziska would have commented (and by commented I mean whipped Phoenix Wright silly) on the dripping sarcasm in his voice when he said the word "perfect", but the chance of something actually blemishing her perfect appearance was too much.

"Goddamn it! Where?" Franziska demanded as she scrubbed her face with a napkin…perfectly.

Phoenix took her gloved hand and smacked her in the face with it.

Franziska looked, horrified, at him still holding on to her wrist, laughing his foolish ass off.

"Stop hitting your-AAAAAAAAAH" He was interrupted by being dragged out to the plastic play palace of DOOM. The shrill sounds of girlish screams and a very persistant whip pierced the air for a good hour. The employees feared for their lives and wouldn't have stopped the crazy German lady for anything.

The next morning, they found a half dead man in a ruined and soiled blue suit floating face down in the ball pit.

Geez I really let him have it XD. Rebeccer and I feed off reviews, so if you will. I'm too fat to be anorexic. Next up is Maggey.


	5. Slap Happy Waitress

Well, Standard disclaimer yadda yadda yadda...XD ok now that all the formalities are over, I can talk somewhat freely. :D This may or may not be a good thing... Anyway, It's funny how pain has inspired Rebeccer and I to post fanfictions. If you haven't gotten the memo by now cuz ive mentioned it in all my other fanfics today, ive sprained my ankle and she went to the dentist. There. Pain. Happy? Slightly...Just kidding.

The Maggey installment of Stop Hitting Yourself.

This series is a limited time offer that will be shut down after only a few more stories! But if you call (review) now, you can save our planet's ecosystem! I mean, the Stop Hitting Yourself series! Drop Rebeccer or I a line thru reviews plz. We are happy for ideas!

Enjoy

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Phoenix was starting to get a pretty good idea.

After his very forward attack on Franziska (the wounds of which he will carry to his death), he decided to be a bit more prudent with his immaturity. So, he developed a "perfect" plan, and decided to test it on the easiest guinea pig in the world:

Maggey Byrde!

Phoenix burst into Tres Bien at top speed, throwing the door open and nearly killing himself when the door rebounded off the wall and he was walloped  
in the stomach by the doorknob.

"Stop hitting yourself!" he whispered to himself, then, shaking his head at his own folly (who ridicules themselves?)(we do...), called out into the silent (and empty, the food scared had scared everybody away) restaurant, "Hey, Maggey! Aren't you going to come say hello to your old defense lawyer and bestest friend?"

Ok, so the "bestest friend" claim was stretching the truth, but whatever, Maggey came bounding excitedly out of the kitchen anyway.

"MR. WRIGHT!!" She yelled cheerfully, "IT'S SO NICE TO SEE YOU!!"

And, raising her hand to her head, she gave a mighty salute.

The impact of hand on forehead reverberated throughout the small and overly pink French restaurant. Maggey was frozen for a moment, then slooooowly, she tipped backward and hit the ground, out cold. Now, this was something Phoenix wasn't expecting.

"Stop hitting yourself?" he told/asked the unconscious girl on the ground. Then, without so much as a glance over his shoulder, he left. As he ran to catch the bus, he couldn't help but grin. For his theory had been formed. Why use trickery or brute force to be immature? For he had just proven that overly excited fools will attack themselves!

Later, when Gumshoe entered Tres Bien, he found Maggey on the floor. In a panic, he assumed that she had been murdered and called out the entire homicide squad. Maggey, who was awakened by the loud sirens, proved to not be dead, much to Gumshoe's mixed emotions.

He was overjoyed that the girl he loved was alive, but very depressed at having his salary docked.

Again.

So it was made official. Now, Gumshoe has to pay to go to work. He's taken a night job to help the strain on his wallet that working as a detective now costs him.

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HAHAHAHAH take that Scruffy! XD JK. Well, Gumshoe is up next after all. Stay tuned and R&R por favor!


	6. When Morons Are Let Into Court

This one is rather short, but it serves its purpose I think. Woo for being out of school for dentists and sprained ankles.

Disclaimer: If we owned Phoenix Wright, Pearls would be abducted by Gant and the German prosecutors would form some sort of special alliance and be all superhero-ish... Franziska would lead this task force, but that goes without saying.

Don't forget! Requests are gratefully accepted and we not only write for Phoenix Wright, but we are very big on Prince of Tennis as well. XD We do more than that, but it's what (at least I do) spend most of our time on.

Well, I'll shut up. Enjoy.

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Maggey and Maya's episodes of self-hitting prompted Phoenix to think for once in his life.

_Do stupid people themselves regardless of force?_

So, he set out on his new quest for answers like a bat outta hell.

There was one idiot to end all others that he would have to test his theory on.

This was science!

_Shut up. You know this is all for your own sick enjoyment._ Snarled his conscious, which the idiot gladly ignored. As he walked up to the police department, a red sports car carrying two German prosecutors rolled up next to him.

One guess who those two were.

They informed him that if he was searching for the retard a.k.a. Gumshoe, he was at the DA's office.

Which was rather kind of them considering what Phoenix the jerk had recently done to them. Phoenix cursed loudly and was about to ask for a ride, but they sped away before he could even start his question.

Their kindness could only extend so far after all.

So, he walked to the prosecutor's office and found the long awaited idiot being yelled at for "Putting the gingerbread man 3/4ths of the way into the latte. He tastes foolish now!"

Phoenix dashed over and was reaching out to grab Gumshoe's hand and start the beating when Gumshoe was hit with some invisible force and fell unconscious.

Phoenix checked to see if Franziska's whip was the one responsible, but it was tucked away safely by her side.

"…..But how?" Phoenix said, puzzled.

"He got hit with his own stupidity."

"Stop hitting yourself?"

Ah, to taunt Gumshoe with his own stupidity is one of the finer joys in life. Send us a line! R&R happy fangirls more fanfics :D


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